Please Respect My New Religion

I have decided to worship the cable channel CNN as my new religion. Don't fucking mess with my CNN and I won't declare a jihad on you.

If anyone else wants to join me in my new religion, please recite this prayer to The Holy Pantheon:

O Wolf Blitzer, Ask Me Thy Question That Will Get So Deep In Me and Unplug My Cork
O Christiane Amonpour, Who Liketh To Hear The Sound of Thy Own Voice, Drone On Thy Throne Where The Sun Rises Before Here
O Larry King, Who Mixeth All Information Into Thy Comfort Food, Make Me Feel From Thy Fragile Seventh Heart of Compassion
O Aaron Brown, Whom Witnesseth Great Destruction, Draw Me In With Thy Trident of Courage and Introduce Thou The Next Commercial
O Paula Zahn, the Vanilla Goddess of Mediocrity, Put Everything In A Convenient Box for Easy Transport
O Soledad O'Brien, Who Licketh the Ears of All Men with Thy Billion Humming Tongues, Vouchsafe Me Drink from Thy Coffee Mug
O Anderson Cooper, When Life's Little Victims Upstage Thy Airtime, Be Thou Noisier Than They So I Might Know Thou Art Outscoopable
O Lou Dobbs, Who Laboreth Below, Bring Thou My Wallet to Fullness Even As Thou Chortle in Thy Glittering Studio
O Judy Woodruff, Hub of All Gods and Goddesses, Outperform Thou Thy Wanderers and Report Stories Best Heard with Loud Stacatto Horns

O CNN, In The Throes of Unspeakable Tragedy, I turn to Thy Heads Which Talk and to Thy Headlines Which Art More Precious Than Static.